I really need to "vent", but I really hate calling it that.
I had a bad day today.
I feel like all my coworkers hate me again, and actually all of them this time, not just most of them. I am tired of explaining things to them, they always either seem to never get it, or never listen, which I think is becuase I am more different from everyone else than anyone else is.
I am tired of trying to communicate with any of them anymore, becuase they are always assholes about it. Actually, to more accurately put it, they are always assholes about just about everything.
People seem to tend to not want to try to understand people who are different, becuase it is difficult for most people to understand others who are not like everybody else. People often are too lazy to try to understand others, or they are just too stupid, sometimes is may be both. In this world we live in, people don't seem to value empathy, sympathy, and compassion as much as they used to. Especially empathy. Empathy is a word that we hardly ever hear. People never seem to talk about it, becuase no one seems to want to try to take the time to understand people who are not similar to them. Empathy is basically putting yourself in someone elses shoes, seeing their situation from their point of view, and being able to understand why they have those feelings and thoughts that they do about that situation. No one seems to ever want to take the time to do this anymore.
I remember when I used to see things with awe and wonder. I remember when I used to have a passion for things, more specifically, my art. I remember when I used to have feelings for others, both personally, and just common feelings. I remember when I used to be able to care about people without really trying. It used to be easy.
I used to be human once....
I can hardly write the rest of this, becuase of how depressed this is making me
...I used to be one of the most caring people I knew.
I used to be so close to my own heart, but ever since I was rejected so many times, on a personal level. It never helped that people around here have always been prone to reject me on a normal level as well. Anyways, ever since last year, when I was rejected, I decided that it would have been better to distance my heart from myself, so that I can't keep getting hurt by rejection, but it seems that the opposite has happened. I can't seem to stop feeling hurt. I honestly feel like no one will ever love me on a personal level, and that almost no one will accept me on normal level, not genuinely, and especially not in this town. This hurt feeling won't go away, no matter what distance I am away from my heart, and no matter how often God heals me, someone is always there rip a new hole in my heart. This has cuased me to become more increasingly anti-social. The more I am around people, the more I feel that I hate everyone. I have no faith in humanity anymore, and pretty much no faith in people. The place where I should have those caring feelings for people, where that feeling used to be, that feeling has not been there for a long time. All that is in it's place now is an undying anger that can never seem to be satisfied. It seems that the only way that it might be satisfied is if everyone were dead, or at least all the assholes in the world. Probably not even that. It would probably just take the destruction of this city to satisfy that.
I know that I should probably see a therapist or someone like that, but I really don't trust anyone in this town any farther than I can throw them.
It's no wonder my 2nd oldest sister sometimes seems like a jerk, and why my oldest sister has become the way she is. We live in a horrible, horrible world, full of horrible, horrible people.
I have become good enough at psychology that I can tell when someone has become mentally unstable, and I have become good enough at assessing my own mental state. I have become mentally unstable.
I just remembered the important part that I had forgot to say.
I used to be mentally stable, but this job has always gotten me down. there have been so many times, ever since I started, that I had rather I would have been dead than go through this torture. Tonight was on of those nights. In fact, the reason I have become mentally unstable is becuase of this. I think I mentioned it before, but on New Years, I was sick and felt so horrible that I had seriously contemplated suicide. The thing is, I have felt that suicide would be like taking the easy way out, and would be cowardly, and not being able to kill myself would also be cowardly. But people who commit suicide, probably do not go to heaven when they die, becuase they took their own lives. Unfortunately, it is a lose-lose-lose situation. After that day, I felt I had lost my purpose in life, or at the very least, my purpose in this town. I went on living, not having any motivation to live, and it would just keep getting worse, which is why I feel I need to leave this town.
If I had not wanted so many times to have been dead, rather than hanging in here, I probably would not have become mentally unstable. Again, it all comes back to this job, and this town.